Monday, December 1, 2008
Sad, sad news
We have had a really tough day today. Today I found out that I have had a miscarriage. We knew things were not looking good (see previous post), so I went back today for another ultrasound, when the Dr showed us the screen, I knew at that moment it was over. Nothing had changed. The baby hadn't grown at all and this time there wasn't even a flicker. No heartbeat at all. It was soooo hard to look at that poor little baby knowing that he/she would not be born. It tore me up inside. The Dr said we could have a natural miscarriage or have a surgical procedure called a D&C. I decided to do the D&C. A lot of women who miscarry naturally have complications and end up needing a D&C anyway. Also, this way I don't have to wait and wait and not know when it is going to happen, and not have to worry about it happening during school. I'm just so heart broken right now. I think one of the hardest things is having to "un"tell everyone about being pregnant. I know miscarriages happen, but there is something surreal about it happening to me. I thought having to go through infertility was bad enough, but now to add this to the list is just almost too much for me to take right now. There has been one thing that has really helped me this evening ~ my little boy. When Benjamin and I came home from the dr, I was very upset and crying. William was home with my Mom, and when we walked in he knew something was wrong. He came up to me and gave me a hug, and I can't tell you how much better that made me feel. I know I have the best little boy in the world and thank the Lord above for sending him to me. I just wish I could have given him a brother or a sister. Will we try to have another baby? Maybe. But, I don't know if I will be able to go through this again.